Disability Justice Artist

Alexandra Vassar (they/them) is a queer, deaf, autistic, adhd-er who is otherwise multiply disabled human based out of Dayton, OH (transplanted there in 2020 from Northern CA). Alexandra originally studied Physics, but has worked within behavior analysis since 2018. They are shifting towards disability justice advocacy full time, expanding on their consulting work while completing their doctoral degree. Alexandra is dedicated to engaging in radical community geared towards liberation for all. They do this by advocating for representation of a variety of disabled voices within justice oriented spaces, and through artistic expression.

I am currently focused on poetry and quilting.

While I have more hobbies within artistry than I can count (you might say my hobby is collecting hobbies and interests), right now I am pouring my energy into developing my portfolio of quilts and poems. An exploration of expression of the past seven years of crawling out of chemical restraint that was the result of a series of psych stays.

© AuTeaHD_Goblin 2024

Sad Eyes

My body rebels against my attempts to survive

Each movement I make toward healing

my body takes another jump

Towards the pit, I’d lost myself in before

It’s only a question of how long until I fall again

But I’ll be ok I promise

Nothing has killed me yet

I must survive for a reason

One I don’t know or even care to realize

For even when I beg for death

something keeps me alive

My life does have a purpose

that I know to be true

But these sad eyes I wear haunt me with my past

Chasing after me through every dream I remember

Nights haunted with nightmares and fears

I wish I could forget

But still every morning I wake up

even when all I can do is stand

I promise it won’t kill me, not this time

I will live through it

So please stop staring at me like that

like these sad eyes make you mad

Because you can’t stop these moments any more than I

Help me to pretend that I’m ok right now

Because we both know I’m not

Let me walk around like these sad eyes are lies

Stop looking at me like that

Like I’m falling apart because I already know I am

Don’t think that these sad eyes I wear will kill me

Trust me, for I know they won’t

I’ve worn them too many times before to let them win

This time no different than the last except I am alone now

Stop staring at me as if I’m collapsing before your eyes

No matter how true it is

Every time I fall I stand back up- don’t worry too much please

It’s my life I’m messing up, it won’t hurt anyone else

Let me make my mistakes

Because I have to learn to stand on my own two feet

As feeble as they might be

It’s all I’ve got left in life right now

I feel alone and empty sometimes

And my sad girl eyes won’t give me

any chance at an intermission

But I will find a way

otherwise, I would have lost by now

My time will come someday

but not this time I promise

Stop looking at me like that,

just hold my hand if you must

Help me stand up once again

for I am falling apart

From the outside in

Witness this atrocity

While you sit in your houses

Self care says to look away

Community care says to witness

Bare witness of this death toll

The babies torn to shreds

Horrors that shouldn't be imagined

Witness

Keep your eyes on the martyrs

They were stolen from their land

Stolen from the arms of their people

Their beloved ones

Witness

Witness

Their land is an open casket now

Mass graves with bodies piled

Death rights compromised by bombs

In the night they rain devastation

Witness

While you sit in your home

Do not look away

Their deaths warrant global lament

Fall to your knees and scream

Cry, do not wipe your tears

Let them fall

Our tears will mingle

Proof of our collective rage

Form a river that will move mountains

The mountains of oppression

Our tears will fullfil our duty to one another

An outpouring of unconditional love

For our global neighbors

Their ancestors and ours share the same fight

The river of our shed tears

Will wash away the injustice

To be swallowed by the sea

We must bear witness

Let our souls be rent, torn to pieces

So that our collective identity has space

To be born out of this slaughter

Their souls are seeds

Planted on the shore alongside that river

Growing into peace

We witness to usher forth that peace

Once a dream

We must demand it become reality